Day Brightener

Hey! 
HAPPY (Late) THANKSGIVING! how was it?

Thanksgiving talk

Thanksgiving from my perspective:
     woke up after a weird and emotion-hurting-sort-of dream and talked to my friends cat, since she was already up and out of the room and downstairs.
So i hoped things wouldn't turn out too bad. 
    So the day goes on, i return to the house which we are staying at (still not liking it -.-) and i got a chance to go on the computer again!
so i decided to catch up with whatever notes on here. I started to reply to my wolf Buddy's note...
     its long (i dont mind at all ^_^ its nice to talk)  but i dunno...i hoped this wouldn't be bad, which it shouldn't be....
   and it wasn't, in fact in a way it made me feel alot better! so i was all happy again then we went to my moms friends house for thanksgiving.
     Which just so happens to be kinda close to where i use to live, as well as places with aloooot of memories i rather not think of, especially when i was feeling happy.
so yea, there was alot of food, a dog and a cat there and my brothers and i, also my mother, was outside for the most of it, but it was really fun! i got to hang out with my youngest Bro and make him and his friend laugh. Then i went back on the deck where a couple of "the Adult/parents/grandparents" were taking to my mom and they were talking about how i keep bugging my mom for my dog back. I NEED HIM </3!!! -ehm- anyway... So the lady who lives at the house we were at mentioned that there was two bigger dogs next door, they keep barking and i guess they were kinda unsure about them..
     i remembered hearing them bark and stuff so i decided might as well give them a visit ^_^ 
     i went to the fence and gave a small bark to get their attention. they started to bark so i sat on the ground and held out my hand, close enough for them to sniff and see their reaction. they did, and one of them kept putting his/her paw on my hand. i was like "yea! high five ^-^" and he/she did it again and made that happy-doggy-pant sound and he/she looked like he/she was smiling. i felt happy, then i remembered there was an opening in the bushes further down the yard, and the fence was different there, i could easily put my arm through and pet them (mean while the "adult-parent-people were laughing and such XD)
      so i did that, and they were SO KAWAIII! such sweet things! oh they were collies! much like this one:
www.dogbreedinfo.com/images10/…
i talked to them, asking them if they were secret dog spies and so such...asking them if they knew Yuuki my Dog XD it was fun!
so aside from the going back and forth from the deck, getting more iced tea or something and petting the dogs again, i got to go two houses down and act like an idiot on a trampoline!~ it was fun (and i didn't notice the people back on the deck were watching me) so i did weirdy things, i dunno i was hyper and trying to do flips and trying to get my older brother to join me XD Finally Eli (my youngest bro) came on and so did his friend, so i kept tripping eli or goofing off XD
   When things settled and the outdoors grew too cold (no jacket and no shoes XD) i went inside and talked to my mom, we went tot eh basement and we talked about a few things, some serious, some randomness.
    that was my thanks giving XD it was nice to enjoy it ^_^ it made em wish the weekend didnt have to end even more, and lately school coming again after the weekends didn't bother me as much as it use to (or so it seemed) cus with school i can see and bug
                    and also

i don't have Yuuki  


    and we are all cooped upstairs in one room.... me, my mom and 3 bros, and i dunno i dont like it here .... when my mom isn't there it seems weird going down the stairs and stuff...
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Mental Health/First Encounter with "Hipster Jesus"

       Well i originally got inspired t make this journal because i was happy at the end of school today!

        ok, well lately i have been thinking too much i guess i can say..
i dunno im working on stuff and fighting against emotions or feels just in case.... i dont want to get caught into something >.> im scared XD 
but i dunno...
      Feeling like i could disappear, and thinking my existence isnt needed... i dunno im just being negative again...
     I JUST WANT A HUG OK?!
   anyway, so i dunno i went to a "mental health" thing or something and i figured somethings about myself or something...
(i found out ive been "scared of people(strangers) (intimidating people/groups)" for my life XD i use to get so scared i would cry and sometimes throw up XD and also i found out, when i told her i felt like i was annoying someone and maybe they would be better without me, or be just fine if i just moved away or disappeared without anyone knowing.... but i dunno i guess i am not looking at the positives and i put my negative walls up too high and not letting some things reach me... i dunno for a little while i saw that i didn't need t worry or something BLAH HUGS PLZ FROM ...dat person >//u//<)   
after that day, um i was waiting for my wolf buddy to finish math class (i have a spare) and i was leaning against our locker, just thinking and drawing...trying to figure out how it will go XD

    then i heard voices... i saw two people

    one i know....
    the other one was this guy that my friend K.M calls "hipster Jesus". (HJ)
i didn't hear what they were saying, but then i suddenly heard a "what about you?" and noticed that "H.J" was looking right at me, pointing and walking toward me. i took the music out to hear him (i was listening to music)... and he asked me something like "do you believe in a higher entity?" and i answered and somehow his calm, understanding way of talking and look made it easier to talk to him. he asked me what else i was into. i told him anime and art and pointed to my sketchbook. he asked to look at it and i let him. 

    he seemed to have a very unique and nice compliment/comment for each of my pictures. it was awesome to get feedback like this. he was very nice and i got all shy cus he was saying nice things and saying i have this energy and stuff and i could change the world and i said "i don't know how i could do that..." and he said "you are doing it now! smiling and ..." well he went on and it was cool to talk to him.

     when my wolf buddy got to our locker when class ended, i was all "flustered" and stuff. i was happy! 
    so we went outside since it was "hometime!".
    it was cold out so we were smart and sat behind a little wall thing and sat by each other, but then K.M wanted to talk to me and i had to tell her something and i put my   backpack where i was and said "keep warm with that" XD
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RETURN OF GRANDMA! PIZZA HUT

    so then when i got home later after waiting for the bus with him, i found out my grandma was there! i was energetic and told her and my mom about H.J and my grandma laughed at me and said "oh teens..."
She brought alot of food and snacks! and a backpack for Zack, as well as a jacket for Eli, and this kinda cool necklace for me, its all black and it has what i thought was a shark tooth-looking thing but it turned out to be a dolphin tail, which is awesome too :3  it was too small for her neck XD it goes to my collar bone
Oh i dyed my hair and...HAHA my grandma isn't too fond of "wild hair/ Wild color hairs" so when i came into the room with the bright red front and black hair, she was like :
*smiles like she something ridiculous* "oh jeez, you wild child! you and your hair colors!" and then laughed. it was a good reaction

     we went to Pizza hut for supper and laughed ALOT!

    turns out my younger bro, Zack, (14) can kinda sing like 
    and all that funniness!

we later bought pickles. i was happy again. pickles are wonderful

~~~~~~~

TODAY!/PICTURE DAY

    OK, so today! its Friday and it was picture day today! my final year of picture day!...

... they went in order of last names (alphabetically) and i am "t" soooooo i had to wait  

    um, i dunno what is with me im too weird XD
so i did practically nothing in phys-ed which really ticks me off since i use to love working out and such...just not with a bunch of people there
and when im kinda shy to do stuff and rick making myself look more stupid/clumsy/faiiillll around people....who are in my class, well around the little group i am in....
i dunno! i guess im kinda scared of losing an important person to me if they notice how much a weakling i am XD

    After Phys-ed i have a spare.... So i followed K.M to the library where she showed me this:

WHICH IS SO ADORABLY! so sadddd!! but adorable!! <3 <3 i li-loved it! so kawaiiii
and this

UGH SO SAD AND SHE LIED! she said it would have a happy ending BUT IT DIDNT ;-;

    then i noticed that the intercom thing said "anyone with the last names starting with 'G' and 'H' and 'I' please go to the multi to get your pictures done" or whatever. (something like that,they could have said one letter but to not give away anything or much i will name the 3 letters...cus it could have been called like that too i dont remember >.<)

so i waited a bit then i left the library to find my wolf buddy, which just so happened to be walking out of the multi. i dragged him into the library...

~warning random feels~
(((( just randomly saying i really miss it when i would be on the computer and my dad would walk in or something....i just miss having him around!! ugh... and my dog ;-; but someone just walked into the room and i got a bit exited, i for a second, thought my dad came in and i wanted to tell him stuff ;-; dang it... BLAHHH.... 
my parents recently got separated...this past summer so yea blahh i dont like dissss))))
~ok its done~

So i dragged him into the library... and he was suppose to return to his art class  

i would like to say sorry but it was fun ^_^ my old friend, Taliah came in and we were talking and so such. 
then the bell rang for the next class. This would be the time for my art class, "year book" (however we are just doing random work that im too stupid to do XD) 

so class was class... nothing special from what i could remember, but i acted happier than 2 days ago.
  i swore i told this guy in my class i wanted to die, well disappear  would be more accurate, but i told him that i would die before i get into collage, since its expensive and i have no worthy talents XD he said "how can you get into collage with just drawing anime" and i was being crappy and hating on myself that day as it was. i felt so stupid that i still feel like i cant do my work and is still cautious with the macs in the art room.

um...then Lunch came and i was literally dragged into the computer room by the science rooms... cus i lay on the ground and K.M started to drag me, then when she stopped my wolf buddy dragged me the rest of the way but then i ran off...

kinda didn't expect them to look for me but they i guess finally noticed i was gone and went to look for me...

i left to get my sketch book to draw.... but when i came back i heard their voices so i hid by the door. K.M spotted me. i ran around alot. then i returned when they weren't chasing me or Quinn wasn't walking after me. 

i dunno i felt kinda stupid XD pointless on being there considering i am math-stupid (very) as well as science...and the other guy who was with us knows that....
i dunno how stupid or....um i dunno...how low i am (in his eyes)in the "common sense" area
i mean he told em not to eat a book....i know it was a joke but really...it seems he always says stuff like that...
~warning random rant~
on the day i was being negative...i didn't want to do work and since the mouse was being weird for me, i decided to just sit there in my self hate... then this guy had to jump in and do that "did you try turning it off and on again" 
which was weird cus NO i DIDNT cus i dont want to wok nor do i feels like it....i was more likely to run myself into walls or something to harm myself and release the feeling if i could than try to work and realize that i still cant do anything.

~ok its done~

ANYWAY.... so then i had psycology! it was fun, we had a substitute and i got to go on here and do more work on notes XD then "t" got called down for pictures. 
then i had my spare for teh final period of the day. So i went to the library computer and finished the long note i was typing and i realllly hope it sent!
(i also  checked the other messages!!!)
then when i noticed it was 3:28  i went back upstairs to my locker to meet up with my wolf buddy and bell rang. then we got to see....
~~~~~~~~~~

ANOTHER HAPPY MEETING

... "Hipster Jesus"!(i dont know how to spell his real name... if its the way i think it is....well its better to leave names confidential sometimes okay? ^_^) 
(Hj=Hipster Jesus)
he was talking to me and my wolf buddy and i was getting all shyz again! he was being so friendly and even doing little dance-jig things and it made me feel really happy! 
one of the reasons was because my wolf buddy said it made him feel better and he was really smiling! i was happy to see him happy! you could tell cus his smile and his eyes were more..shiney! 
it made things even more happy for me ^///^  

So yea HJ told us he was told not to talk about some stuff cus we were at school and my wolf buddy pointed out that the school is taking away his rights of speech and religion. 

so for the time it too for us to walk tot eh doors and exit the school we...or more like they were talking about what school takes away... HJ said education is even taken away, which is stupid for a school to do considering they are suppose to give you education... but along with the imagination they are crushing (i pointed that one out) it seems like you cant really go and learn something necessarily"benefitful" to you as an individual...or something like that i cant explain it.

So we were outside now and we were talking...once again mostly the two were talking but i was there and happy! i think that's all i needed to do and i was ok with it ^_^

i wish i could explain it better but talking and seeing the smiles and the encouraging and rather inspiration talk...i loved it! it was the perfect way to end the school day... almost XD
i wish i did something more today though... kinda wanted to hang out with my wolf buddy more but i feel sometimes that im losing my entertainingness and stuff.... maybe he doesn't want to hang out in the staircase like we use to do? i dunno XD

well this journal is long enough! 

SOO have a good day/weekend/week/month! <3

now for random songs/videos: 

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this was shown to me by my wolf buddy ^//^ it made me feel happy and special
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OH! speaking of songs, i wrote a song last febuary when i was having problems and heart broken and i found my song on youtube. its  called take this pain away but its not avaliable for people to see unless you have the link whihc i wont give out cus i hated how i sounded...i cant belive i posted it opn my old fB -.- back when i went on FB...

I fixed the old lyrics up a bit but i dont knw if i will continue wiht this or ..well i sort of gave up on it XD

My head hurts
my heart is cracking 
my mind fills up with doubt
i urge for the things which i am lacking
oh
take this pain away
take this blade away
dont just watch my heart fray away 

can't i call you
i long to talk to you like we use to
feel your warm embrace,
make(ing) my heart race
oh i beg you,
take this pain away
take this blade away
hearts shouldn't be used for play
take this pain away
where did you go?

(oh please listen,
understand,
wont you please?
cant u tell
i long for release?)

maybe one day,
you will grow to know
that deep down inside,
you are the one that i loved
deep down in my heart

(Oh God please,
save me from this!)

take this pain away
please
take it away!
if its my time to go,
my life; take it away!
This world isnt my home anyway!
i know...


 (ok this part is random attempts to fill in a spot i really needed to fix!!)
my heart once longed for something more
for you instead or a beating heart
But now we have to stay apart
seeing you brings memories
once wonderful
but its time to close the door

take this pain away!
release you from your chains
someday
if only there was another way...
everything will be ok
one day
I will be over you
my sky wont stay a sad grey
as for the pain
it will be taken away