Welcome March! its nice to meet you.
its the 3rd now. soon it ill be my older brothers birthday.
i am kinda pretending to be happy right now. I am a bit happy, i am talking to a friend again,
sadly it has to be the day i feel like my heart is un-offically broken.
i was his "un offical girlfriend"
"awesome"... i think he broke my heart.
i will call him...dodo.
ugh we had something like an anime we were anime together it was awesome we had anime nights and cuddles and stuff i couldn't explain...
i think i loved him. love him, i am sorry.
we were never dating, sure he used to consider me something like one, some days he didn't though. Days like this,i wonder if he would even smile ifyou ask him about me. hurts.
why i liked him?
he made me feel special, heck i felt happy when he was here. i bet if i could see him, be in his arms, feel his kiss i would do it.
he decided he wanted to be free, not just free, but to stop caring. Stop fighting. He said so.
not tonight but last night.
why did i not cry? cus i was scared of making him feel trapped. I wanted to take my time to understand.
Heck why didn't i just tell him why i wanted to hear what the picture said.
ok, well i should try to explain.
well valentines day weekend. i ended up talking to him. that weekend sucked till Monday night.
so yea he told me he wasn't ready for relationships, this was the night sat-sun. he told me not for a while.
i tried to fight for him get him to snap out of it,we both are not ready but there is no way i was going to just let him walk away.
so then eventually he told me i had his heart. things lightened up only a bit. i thought it was ok, till teh morning when i woke up.late. no church that day. its been a while and i wanted to go back.
a friend, lets call her kat, well kat invited me to come sleep over. wanting the time with her, or to be with friends i took it. Of course i ad to be an idiot and call the dodo's house. his mother said he was in teh same city i was. i called his cell. he was indeed, but he was busy. he was walking, pulling kids he was baby sitting in a sled.
i wanted to see him. heck its been over a month now, i now, only a month but with teh way i feel, how much i miss him long to hug him,kiss him be with him laugh and smile again fr everything to be aright darnit it feels like forever and that pain will keep on stretching.
So yea i went out to look for him. i hate the cold but i didn't care i wanted to see him, even for a few minutes. i was then spotted by someone i knew. i will call him j.
so j sees me and i end up getting him to drive me around. i was that desperate to find dodo.
so yea i do that. then i couldn't find him.called him, he seemed to be annoyed or bothered. i went home and broke a bit. what was i doing so wrong.
finally i wound up at kats. i started to cry in her kitchen so i made the desition we should have a sleepover at my house.
when we finally got a ride, i went home
the hugs i got i only compared them to that dodos. i wanted to be in his arms. Kat would go on face time with her boyfriend, who she is lucky enough to see everyday at school, and hang out alot. he loves her.
so yea, eventually i actually get a message from the Dodo. he...says its easier to talk on Fb but ti seems he would only leave short responses, leaving me wondering, or not answer in a while. i understand he is busy i try to understand as much as i can BUT ITS NOT ENOUGH
. so yea. he told me he could see me on monday.
i was happier then. i even had my mom pray for it when we did bible study that night. I dont think kat was really into it but i was wanting all the help i could get, and God wouldn't ever leave me.
so yea, i went to bed, imagining how my pain could be taken away, how i would get to be in dodos arms again. then my dream took a harsh turn. he said to my face i was annoying. he told me i was there for his entertainment. torn my heart to bits. i woke up. then i looked at kat. she was awake too. she started to talk to dodo. he responded, rather quickly to her. he said he left already. he went home already. 10 in the morning and he was leaving. it made me feel a bit better when he said he wanted to see me though. then she asked him if i was annoying. he said of course not.
later that day, like around 12 actually was when kat and her BF made arrangements for a dat at 2. we got ready, i did her hair. we walked to teh mall to pick up her BF. i was kicking snow.
it was a warm day.PERFECT to see him. i could have held his hand, we could take walks have a snow ball fight i could kiss his cheek out of no here, get him shy and i dunno.
so yea got kats BF. she was happy.
so yea they wanted my dad to drive them to the movies. i sat in teh front, quiet. then kat invited me to be a 3rd wheel on their date. i agreed, knowing as soon as the movie started my heart would hurt, cus the movie is called "endless love".
so yea i like that movie. i imagined dodo there. however when the movie ended so did my imagination. kat and her BF were kissy-lovey-cuddles through the movie.
so blahhh she took her bf with her to home. i went home, went to my room. cried. my mind was being torn, torturing me saying he given up on me. he is trying to let you go.and i didn't want to listen he told me he liked me i liked him alot, enough the tears i had would not be forgotten, but remembered as the suffering i went through to what i hoped would be a good ending.
so yea, then later that night i called. he told me why he was like how he was. he had a horrible weekend. and the place he was staying at, a guy dislikes him so he had to make calls short, someone he knows and cares for, had her heart broken so he was just dealing with all this pain and anger. he explained and told me everything. he told me he trusted me. that was a relief to me. He told me another thing that pi**ed him off was the fact he didn't see me. "you wanted to see me?" i asked.
he told me of course.
so yea i felt better especially when he told me he felt better taking to me. i got hyper after that.
also, um before he called i was being all sad, and we were watching Toradora. well um, i was being all sad, but i love that anime. so yea then my dad walks in and gives us val-day candy. i tried so very hard to not cry. i told my bothers i would be right back. i locked the bathroom door, and leaned against the counter. i cried.
valentines day. i hate it. why? i dunno many reasons. but then i noticed how val day was to me. Couples should love each other, and have special days , not just once a year but alot. the sweet heart Dodo was mentioned that to me earlier in the week, saying lets not do val day, everyday will be special for us.
so yea i noticed to me, val day isnt really just for couples. its a day when everyone should stop arguing, stop hurting each other show they care, family,friends and couples.
later i hugged my father, told him i loved him. said thanks and told him how i felt. how i was scared of losing Dodo.
So yea, we finished Toraora! i flipping love that anime!!
so then dodo called. and yea, i got hyper, then went to bed, had a weird, not really good daya t school,but dodo lighten my day up alot..
this moment...i started to realize that maybe i grown to love him. he would talk adorable to me again. called me cute alot, said i was pretty, i was his angel, i made him happy....he had a dream his ex and him were dating, then when she kissed him it turned out to be me, his ex messages him,"you happy now?" and he said yes.
so yea cut stuff, and then he said something about someone, he knew the guy. he said he didn't want that guy to dot eh same thing as dodo did. when your so heart broken you want attention form alot of people. he said something like "he shoudnt do that cus one day, he could meet someone who is true at heart, would be sweet and nice to him, doesn't want to hurt him. would do anything, would try to impress him,but he wont see it and it would be like looking into the night sky and not noticing the brightest star has fallen" he paused on a few parts, and i knew he was comparing that special person to me.
then he said "and that's why i want you." and cute stuff. so ya, had a good day the next day, then things would be..meh, like he would tell me his day and stuff and slowly day by day he slowly stopped calling me cute and our adorableness seemed to fade. it hurt. i wanted to talk to him but nope, couldn't think of things to say and then...he seemed to lose the whole caring thing. it hurt. something was wrong.
oh! ad that night that would be tuesday night when he was talking about the night sky and stuff, he told me he wished he could tell me how he feels, but he cant.the next day he found a picture that he said had a certain word, and he couldn't tell me i had to wait and such. so yea.
so yea, by the time the next weekend rolled in, i felt like calling him still,but how he would only laugh, seem interested was when he was on Fb or snap chat. even my "sister" would talk to him, make him laugh, and i missed her alot. sheesh i really do! she is miku-miki4ever.
so anyway yea....
later in the weekend dodo asked me if i was jealous of him talking to nisha. i said not really, then gave a few examples of when i was jealous and stuff, he found it adorable. so yea then he told em he gets jealous too, and out of no where i asked why. he said he just does.
so yea things happen blah blah blah, fading away, hurts, i know he was hurting he starts working out, girls drool over him.P90X work out!
so yea....soon i lost things to talk about.
he then brought up me cutting, or i brought it up. he said he didn't like feeling trapped. how my friends would ask him or bug him about me, like we were dating but in a way before things got messed up and we hadn't seen each other in a while it was as if we were and at the time it seemed to not be an issue however now it seems to be totally false.
so yea he said he likes to feel free. he isn't ready. how he doesn't not care, but he is sick of people cutting and he had to deal with it. so yea i dunno then he reminded me of the promise i made. i said i wouldn't cut but guess what "you go ahead and do it anyway" it crates stress. then at first i thought he said i should go ahead and do it, i asked and then i relied what i asked and was like OH i didn't mean that! then he said i was creating stress, which is true i mean who wants this type o pressure o their shoulders, when they have alot to deal with already and not to mention chains tugging at their heart, still haunted by memories of the past,and being tired of it.
so yea. i hoped things would be alright. so yeah was talking about feeling like ...just past like how females can be heartbroken and everyone believes them and yeaa...
so in a way i am trapped too. i shouldn't hurt, cus then he would feel bad. i cant be heart broken cus then people will turn on him, and i like him so much and i don't want him to hurt anymore but i mess up to much but he still thinks he isn't enough but i keep thinking i need him i want him i think things will alright if i wait...etc,,
then we ended up saying i like you,i like you a lot or whatever. i meant it full heartedly.
then the next day he played a song or me. i heard "don't make a home out of me" "alone" and "i love you"
**ok earlier, um i broke down during the week and cried out to God, told him give me an answer and if he was to give up, quite fighting, help him, tell me if i love him, and help me be strong, as strong as i can. and forgive me for cutting, i want to stop. so far not a single scratch so dont worry alright.**
so yea, then he had to go.
again, earlier in the week i guess i got him upset cus i wanted his attention i mean i had a bad day and it hurt seeing so many people in their relationships and missing the crap out of dodo.
so he said it was like that for him in teh past. with others. he felt trapped. i apologized but when ever he is on that i would be told to hold on or he would be happier talking to them. i gues i got jealous over fb and snapchat.
so yea anyway, that day after the song, later he talked more about hurting feeling trapped and stuff. then he told me there was a point to the song he showed me. i tried to stay strong. he was hinting what i was fearing. he was slowly letting me go.
i wish he could know how much i was sorry or not being entertaining enough, for causing him stress and how much trouble i might have caused him, how much i wanted to keep him happy and be like how it was before when he first moved, when he would say in a sexy voice "i miss you" or once in a while even the few days after the val-day weekend, how he told me he wished i was there called me sweet, called me a marshmallow,and etc.
he used to say "night cutie."
anyway yea, i asked if he meant the don't want me to make a home out of him. he asked me if i relied on him i said yes,then he asked if he has been much of someone to meet these hopes. i went quiet.
sheesh he never meant to hurt me he didn't want me to cut he liked me , i think maybe he was hiding, running away from his feelings.
cus he asked what else i heard from the song. i mentioned the alone part. then i mentioned the love part. he got shy which was adorable.
the net time we talked i asked about it. if his feelings...that song part and the picture...had something in common, he would change the subject. it was alright with me, in fact after a little while i would bring it up to talk to him, i would be happy if he told me so i could admit i think i love him too, but oh well at lest he would change the subject into something...and we could talk a bit.
on teh upside, we did get to joke earlier in teh week about him marrying a viking for a kitten, then i asked "you marrying a viking? and he said "if your one" and i was like i don't think i am one, not noticing what he meant at first.
so yea. now we gt to where i am now.
well feb.28-march 1.
he admitted something to me.
i was given up on i suppose.
i was stupid how was i suppose to know he and this person was in a fight thing. you see um well those two were argug but i thought they were alright, i didnt know till dodo told em later, but that day i felt like pooop. it was Friday. so yea, i saw the guy in the hallway. he saw me and i dint want to be rude.
so yea, he asked me how i was. i told him i could be alot better, missing Nisha and dodo.
later he finds me in the hallway, alone at lunch.
i found out that this guy is i guess trying to get dodo "back" and i guess he was trying to flirt with me or something and this is what also bugs me
the things dodo does, says to girls. "hey babe" or something statuses, um i dunno, just ...so many girls like him and He....is mne! or was mine?
i am not sure.
so yea, he is friendly with lot of people. mostly girls. i think? so yea but when i am friendly to a dude he is worried, i mean i worry but i am wanting t be friendly with anyone...so i dont hurt anyone, avoid it as much as i can.
its like i make mistakes left and right.
so yea, then i found up how upsetting things were for dodo.
this guy is at my school, in my locker bay, can talk to me, etc.
dodo is worried i would fall for this other guy, like others did.
i am different, sweetie i am different. if your letting go of me i have a right to let go too but i chose to stand by you as much as i can.
and if you would talk to me like we used to that would help a lot, if he decided to show his care and interest i would feel more into talking. i wish he knew that.
so yea. he used to get me shy a lot, if he called me now, it may hurt but if he said sorry or something i would forgive him i want to show him i wont give up.
he was scared i would turn away from him and stuff i would stab him in the back, i would hurt him like the others, hes bee in too much and his chains are dragging him but he decided to quite fighting, he gave up doesn't care. "i care for you, but i..." then i continued "don't feel like getting hurt again."
so yea. i told him i wouldn't be like that, but yea i can see why he wont believe me, others said that. hes been lied to a lot. i also broke that whole hurting myself promise.
his compliments meant a lot to me, like the one day he pushed all the hair out of my face...this was in January, and he said "your beautiful" and kissed me
his attention is wanted cus how he made me feel, how it felt to know that this guy gave me his attention, like he was interested.
i have a feeling he wont want me to post this, so i might delete it when it seems to be not so anymore.
i asked him again. about the picture. he would avoid the subject. then after a while he told me "u know there's a a reason i am not saying ti right?" and i said yea.
then yea...so i guess it hurt. he gave up, "if another guy takes you,he takes you i don't want to fight anymore..i mean i fought enough before, why cant someone.."
i continued, "fight for you? i would."
and heck i am, i did. i hope sooner or later he would realize this. i hope he can see that he needs to not hide from his fear,love is a chance worth taking, yes we get hurt, loving and caring does that to a person, but that doesn't mean you give up. there will a person who is true hearted.
i would be true and stay true.if i thought there was an issue i would bring it to his attention. typically. i wouldn't cheat on him or anything.
he had to go, but he told e he would call me back. i highly doubted that. how may times has he said that and never did? maybe cus i would call back before he does or maybe he was just giving up he didn't want to any more it doesn't matter.
i wont call him tomorrow unless my heart feels strongly to do so.
oh and i showed my father my rant too, so he knows. well i showed him what i could but i still stood up for my dodo. my father agreed he was dwelling his pain, drowning in the hurt, and fear of it getting worse but he was confused and not aware of what i ... well...
If you know him.
don't tell him ok?
if you do it might bother him more and i dont want him hurt. i want to fight for him i want him to see who i am, how try my ehart is, wha hehad, his promiseto me that i woul be his one day he ....
ugh so much ok!
okafter the phone call i got mae, punching walls, tryign to clean but throwing things to their alpces, then i found a picture of him. i hugged it. "like i said i try to hold him as close as i can. " yes i would sometimes carry a picture of him with me just to feel that iam taking what i can with me. so when ever someone asked who i liked or somethign i can say him.
no other guy gets to me. i never liked someone like this. i ambeing honest. i dont knwo why i am not crying, maybe when i go to bed i will.
so yea then i cried while hugging the picture, tenshookitoff. i went on FB. Dodo told me that he would call mewhne his motehr was done o the phone.
2 or in the morning. calls. on Fb and snapchat but stil talked a bit. cleared up stuff to me, told me he still liked me alot, wished he could just tell me what he felt for me. then he had to go, and on Fb, he said anther good night.
: me: haha oyasumi but yea sorry, i made you down earlier, and i dont know what to talk about and thanks or calling too. tommy is good at making pickup lines XD Um yea... please still...i dunno i like you alot...nd i wont leave u.i... yea..i dunno if you felt like giving up, iduno i just ecourage u to try when you have the strength.
him:I'm a confused
me:*hugs* y u confused
him:Sheep That walks with legs of a fox With a appetite of a bear And a life span of a snail And urges of a lion And courage of a dog And hair of my neighbour Okay that last one wasn't intended But yeah
me:a sheep that walks with the legs of a fox, appetite of a bear,life span of a snail, and urges like a lion?? courage of a dog, haha hair of your neighbor? what? XD thats what you are confused bout?
him:Shhh I'd kiss you to keep you quiet but that's not possible. Night
me///O ... teleport. i want to hug you ^///^ darnit i want you here i want u...dodo! and yes it is night or no its not, its morning. and i wouldnt mind if you did... its one of the things i miss >///>
him:Yeah..If u had that I'd've alright Blah I can't type If I had a kiss from you I'd be fine
me:hahah awh....*dies**hides in corner*i would too...
so i thought things woul be alright. that night i stayed up, working on art. then went to bed at like 5:40
then today came. i was happy in teh mornign. thinking of my sister, M-M4E and dodo.
then i called... once again, painful no convo. he then had to leave. then when i tried again he was gone. i felt so annoying.
then i tried one laast time. he was asleep. yet on FB he was online not eponding. i wanted to tell him how i felt, ans tel him how i was scared and seemed to feelastange thing. love?
so yea...no responce from him. i got to talk to eldershadowz today haven't talked to her in along time!
so yea i spoe with her again. ranted...
when i saw Fb it torn me. it was bad enough thinking he gave up and wont fight for me anymore, but when i thought of how i felt and how things were going, it hurt like alot.
so when i looked on Fb, it seemed that maybe the whole thing about what i say, compliments are important to him, wasn't too true, he said he doesn't talk to much people yet when i am with him he seems to always have someone wanting his attention, i for sure am on teh list of his attention list, he told me once will always have his attention
but wow. "half of that they say is real and some just a bunch of noise"
so yea,i know he is hurting is confused nd wants to talk to others nt me, i am hurting him now arnt i?
he needs the comfort of fan girls and stuff, i mean he posted a snap chat about "want my babies? wat?" or something an i was like....STOP I LO--LIKE You alot ant u see i want to talk to you too and be like how we were!!
so i had Eldershadowz there or me. she saved e from crying. she actually made me feel happier and she said this...
"if he decides to break things off i want you to know that you are a wonderful girl who has more love and compassion in her than ive seen in anybody and you deserve someone hella enough to stand by you"
and sheesh i wish Tommy would just see that.
i loved how she seemed to understand... and i know i..was upset yet she was there...and said things to me, that now i was open to,i welcomed every bit of here and even if it hurts sometimes, i wanted to not let go of that dodo! i mean look through my art. He was the only thing ive been drawing lately i mean i would do all i can for him!!!
we use to talk about future the animals the hose the anime some cute nights, our occupations etc...
i want t show him how true i was, i want him to see that i want to be that star in the sky the one with the pure true heart that wouldn't leave him.
he didnt want to hurt me ok dont start calling him a jerk or something. sure some things are kinda a dick move but yea...
i know he is dealing with alot of stress an his heart s broken and he is confused.he is scared cus he said what if he liked me too much, he didn't want to disappoint me he didn't want to be trapped he didn't want more stress he did want to be with me, he did, i still do i do i do i love him cus i still want to be in his arms, for him too do what he did that Tuesday night, when he apologized and noticed how serious i was to keeping him
I hope he prays, i hope God will show him that i was fighting for him. doing lot for him. i am complimenting myself but wow
he made me feel pretty, cute, made me happy i could glomp him he was so attractive i mean hot imean wow he was so cofy his cuddles were amazing along ith the kisses, hwo he was like, how he woudl say no when i took my hands away, how he even found my sweaty hands or even armpits cute cus i tried to hide it he told me he loved my kisses. i miss him i miss him i miss him i think if he could see me more, if only we could manage t pick thinsg up a bt more.he appricate me while it lasted he saw the good nesshe called me angel i coul go on and on...he was so strong the dodo i looked up to, he was sweet and...bah.
he coul relize things more etc.
i will fight on..i ont knw how long but i will pry and ight on, show him if i can. call him once in a while maybe. i dunno what todo i want him i want to cry in his arms again for him to tell meits ok, to...i dunno i want us to stop this stupiness and fight our fears for him to pick himsef bak up and be the tommy i fell for.
and again i say thankstoeldershadowz i will sit with you at lucnh on monday.
thanks for readng my rant. i mean this weekend has been rough but things were not 100 percent bad, mean i was told he would kiss me >.>
he has his side too, its just hard cus of the distance and how we are not ready ok? so maybe he did some dick moves but it was only cus he is scared of getting hurt...and sure he may look like he wants attention and admitted to liking it on a status but yea...
he is only 19, and ...well i dunno i like him a whole lot....he just needs some encouragement not to give up an to fight.
now excuse me,i willdweel withing my thoughts and if i cry i will welcome it, its or the one i fell for.
i want to show him i will or would be true!
i mean who knows maybe things could still pick up sometime
he might see me