um, well. i was suppose to be with a few people from class....well my aim was to finish my ELA work and help this dude i know from class get a email acount. So yea, i took my friend along, hopefully not to make things awkward.

He told u to wait 20 minutes at the meeting point.

We waited...an hour?
My friend told me he wasn't coming and i should call him back.

i said, nah, i dont want to bug anyone.

we ended up doing it anyway.

big. Mistake

i apologized for bugging him and he said it didnt bug him. i was not aware of why it didnt bug him.

OK!before you know the rest, you must understand i act so awkward, shy and quiet around this guy, along with others i dont know. Also i am NOT a touchy-like person, i mean there is a few people i am ok with hugging...

Anyway,

So we met up. Only that dude showed up. Trying not to start off things awkwardly, i said "hey! we were talking about stalkers XD" and he said "oh! well i am sorry for being so late. i fell asleep."

i said its ok. Then SSL (starscreamlover10) suggested we walk around. It was ok. i dropped my fake flower down  by the lake, and the dude gave it back to me, i said thank you....quietly. So yea, i thought, since SSL and the dude was talking about drinks that they like and stupid things like that. i was glaring cus the other things they spoke about.

here i though the dude was hitting on her, and here i thought it looked like they were flirting with each other. Heh, awkward.....

its not even close....to as awkward as i feel now...

anyway, we keep walking, talking. i tried to change the subject to animals. then it turned into something about porn after a while cus i stopped talking again. i wanted them to stop talking about that. its stupid, The dude told me a few times to not be shy around him. i told him, thats what i do though...its me.

he said "oh well, at least its cute." i, being the normal-easy-to-make-blush me, blushed and said, you know.....i dunno....

i then hoped he wouldn't be hitting on me.  

So yea, um, he called me cute before which sort of scared me, but i had no idea if he meant it in a compliment way or hitting on way.

anyway, we kept walking........

talking, then we got to a picnik table. We sat down. Then they started to talk about this type of pill or medicine that makes people get erections and stuff....something like Viagra?

Anyway, so SSL then needed to go home. meanwhile i wanted to go home. as soon as it got cold and we stopped to talk. i had time to think and when i thought over things, i got scared.

anyway, when SSL's mom was there, SSL started running. i said "Run! SSL! Run!" hoping she would look back or slow down. i wanted to leave and if it meant pretending to go to her place, i would do it! so yea....failed plan. she left.

I was alone with the dude. I thought to myself "well it gotten quiet! maybe he is into SSL and is sad to see her go? do i get my chance to go home?"

then he started talking about times in ELA class. How my hands are so small, how i am short, and "cute" how easily i get embarrassed. how i get red in the face alot. i wanted to leave. i had a reaaal bad feeling. so we walked for a while. talked about it. he kept telling me i dont have to be shy around him. i said "its just me to do that. might have to go home soon." i wished i went home sooner!

so yea, i tried to find ways of not being mean and stuff.....but also tell him to go, i wanted to be alone.

i was so tempted to walk to a friend of mine's house. i know if he knew i was scared and needed help he would help me. i wanted ever so much to go back home to my family, where i could feel safe, but i didn't want to
take any chances with having that guy find my home.
at one point, he reminded me about how when we were at the picnic table, he could tell we were virgins.

awwwkward.
he also asked me if i thought i was hot, or looked nice. i laughed and said not at all,honestly, i am rather mean to myself. he then said my eyes are nice looking and pretty. i laughed again a bit, and said "yea, i actually lik my eyes"

Instead, he ended up wanting to walk a different way. trying to be nice and respective to others, i agreed. we walked down a alley thing. We spoke about what we like, well i did, talk about what i like and is interested in with relationships. i told him i am waiting till later, till i find a person who can actually love me, not with any sexual wantings or urges, then i stopped and laughed awkwardly. "heh. random convo." i said, he said he didnt mind, he was ok with it. so yea.  at the end of the alley he asked me something. in the it sounded so quiet,then my brain figured out what he said.

"hey, can i kiss you?"
i was like"wha--" then turned my head away to face the oppisite direction then shook my head.
"no. no. not to be a jerk, but i dont want to."

he said its fine. "at least i asked instead of going ahead and doing it!" but then later he sort of laughed and said "you just wanted it" or something. i asked "wanted what?" he said he thought  i just denied him cus i was shy. i objected, explaining to him i have only been kissed once and no offense to the guy, but for me it was awkward (mostly cus i wanst ready!!!)
((BTW he did mention hitting on me, i tried to pretend i didnt hear it, and he did say something about the cuteness again...in "attractive" cute way...like checking out...blahhhh))

i thought the worst was over. then we were walking back and i said i should go. i started to walk over to me. i tried to make up my mind and seriously thought of just turning away and walking to one of my friends houses and say i should head there first. he said he would walk me home. i stopped.

"um. Actually...No, i don't need that. please. i don't like showing people my home"

he told me not to be shy again, and to trust him. I wasn't sure how to make him go. i was scared again. i mean, his cousin's house was a few houses away, but still...i was scared.  i dont trust him. i started walking, and told him i dotn want to show him my home because people used to know where i lived and threw stuff at my house. he told me he wouldn't tell anyone. in my mind i said "yea, sure! just as ling as i remain 'cute' and 'shy' and don't anger you, right?"

so after a few steps he asked which block i was on. hoping maybe he would leave me alone if i told him it was far at teh end of the court, he would het the idea why i wanted to go out seprate ways at the co-op.

i pointed "WAY at teh end" i replied, once agian my scared brain failed. i wanted to turn and go to my friends house. i will call the dude one "awesome" and the one chic one "Pasta". I didnt want to bug Pasta, cus it was near 9. so i thought, since Awesome might be there, i could go find him. i might either get away from  him, and if he followed me, at least awesome would be there to get him away and help me get back home safely.
i was about to do that when the dude;s cell rang. he answered. he told the person he was going back home and would meet them at the co-op. so i tried to be nice and said "ok! how about we just go to the co-op INSTEAD. he agreed and i made sure to walk ahead cus the sooner the better. but then he said
 "i am not sure if you like this or not.." and was about to look when i felt something....some what touch-hit my....um....well....rear?

(he seemed happy about it) (me....NO! big no no! what a huge turn off! i dont like that stuff at all)

so he seemed happy, i backed away quickly. "awkward" i said, i kept shaking my head" no" and trying to get away from him, but not be a jerk and just dash off.
i was quiet, all i said was "no" or "Awkward" then i put my hands to my face and said  "that was stupid, so stupid" i knew he knew what i meant. he said he...liked it?!?!

While walking i was walking to the side away from him. then when we got to the front, he got closer. i was ready to go if he tried pulling another move. he told me he liked looking at my eyes. i still refused to look at him. "awkward" i said.then he saw his ride, told me he had a good time (that was the 2nd time he said that actually)  and i just replied "bye" then quietly said "yea, i know you did...ugghhh"


all the way back home i wished i never went. i wished i went to awesome's house. i wished i could have been more smart.
i walked home saying over and over "that was stupid! i was so stupid! baka baka stupid...why?"
then i got home. i had to tell someone. i told my mom wrote this. my older brother knows too.


i am not into guys who want just a hot body. i am not into guys who like touching other's um, rear, i am not into guys who call my older brother werid or awkward cus oh my gosh! if someone talks mean about my family or friends..or something like what he was doing....touching.....such a" turn off."

i repeat, there isnt many people i like being in body contact with, for the fear of this happening, and few i am actually ok with hugging. i mean family, i am fine with, a few CLOSE friends...yea... but still.....no.